Have you noticed how many times a child who gives up everything to take care of a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia is treated with suspicion and anger, while other relatives are welcomed with open arms, even if all they want is access to this month’s Social Security check? I’ve heard so many stories that go something like this:
Mom barged into my room at 3 a.m. screaming that I took her money and her wedding ring and yelled at me to get out of the house. I finally found her money hidden in the sock drawer and picked her wedding ring up off the floor, but she kept insisting I was a thief. The next morning, my sister stopped by to “give me a break” by taking Mom shopping, but I heard her ask Mom if she brought her wallet as they were getting into the car. Sure enough, Mom came back with only a few dollars in her purse and nothing to show for the missing money. She couldn’t stop talking about how nice my sister was, although she kept forgetting who she was and called her “that sweet young girl.”
How frustrating for these caregivers to have to deal with the day in and day out frustrations of Alzheimer’s, only to see the same person who treats them with distrust and screams horrible things at them turn around and shower affection on a family member who borders on criminal.
Yes, the caregiver can take measures to be sure Mom or Dad isn’t continually victimized by other relatives, but most of those measures involve some very emotionally overwhelming activities, like having a beloved parent declared incompetent or trying to get the police involved in the situation.
I’m going to preface this post with a note about my mom. She rarely reads and I can’t remember the last time she actually went out and bought a book. So when she says something was so helpful that she purchased a copy for herself when the library needed their copy back, I tend to take notice!
Elder Rage, or Take My Father… Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents
is a book that outlines the struggles one woman faced in taking care of a parent with senile dementia. The first several hundred pages are an account of what she experienced, but my mom says that knowing someone else experienced the same thing and finding out what worked for her was extremely beneficial. Marcell writes about her experiences in a humorous way, which makes it much easier to read about some of the tough issues she dealt with.
If you’re having trouble dealing with someone who has elder rage, then you won’t want to miss this book. It helped us deal with really tough behavior issues more than once.
In Maryland, you can check records for the district and circuit courts yourself to do a preliminary criminal and credit screening. You can access those records through the Maryland court system or you can do an online court record search.
* Just be aware that you should request permission to do the background checks first and make sure you get that permission in writing. (Look for a generic employment application that has a background check notification on it.)
* Also, remember that this only covers Maryland courts. Someone who moved to the area recently could have a long rap sheet in another state and you wouldn’t discover any record of it. You should have a professional background check done on your final candidates.
* Driving violations are included and should be considered if the caregiver you are hiring is going to be transporting the patient to the doctor’s office.
* If you’re searching for records on a common name, your best bet would be to use a professional background screening company from the start. Most of these records don’t include birthdates or descriptions.
Sometimes you just can’t do it all. You have to work during the day or your own health isn’t that great and you need help. Before you call your local newspaper to place an ad that says “Caregiver wanted.” there are a few things you should know about hiring a caregiver.
First, just because someone’s working part time at the local nursing home, you can’t assume that person is a law abiding citizen. The nursing homes may say they are going to check criminal records, but many of them don’t. People have unknowingly hired drug dealers, thieves and other criminals that you wouldn’t want in your house, especially when you are leaving them alone with a relative who can’t tell you what’s going on.
Next, be sure you follow up on references. A lot of times, people don’t check references and you may just find that the reference that was given doesn’t recommend the person you are considering.
Finally, always ask for permission to run a criminal background check. Have people fill out a generic employment application, which should have a notice for them to sign about background checks. You can hire a company to do the checking for you.
The reason we’re making these suggestions? We learned the hard way. Thankfully, the only thing hurt was the patient’s checkbook, but it could have been much worse. When we followed these guidelines, we were able to hire a great caregiver.
It is hard to think about a future without your loved one. It is even harder to approach him or her about medical and burial wishes. While everyone should have a talk about these issues, it is even more important to find out what your relative with Alzheimer’s or dementia wants before it is too late for him or her to communicate important desires and wishes. When the time comes, you don’t want to compound your grief with worries over whether you should be choosing cremation or if the most expensive casket is really what your loved one would have wanted.
Don’t be afraid that you will seem greedy, selfish, or insensitive. Remember that you are actually having this difficult talk to be sure you are following your loved one’s wishes. If you take a few minutes to prepare for the talk ahead of time, you and your loved one can have a useful conversation that can actually leave him or her with a feeling of relief. Here are a few tips that can make the discussion easier:
* Make a list of topics to cover, but don’t push to get to them all if he or she becomes tired or upset. Suggest that you can talk again the next day.
* If your loved one doesn’t want to discuss certain topics with you, ask who he or she will feel comfortable talking to and help set up a meeting.
* Have all necessary forms ready so they can be filled out in the comfort of home before your loved one meets with his or her lawyer. There’s an excellent free resource that helps you remember all of the information and forms you’ll need, from living wills to who will take care of the pets at http://thefuneraldirectory.com/planityourway/.
* Be prepared for the fact that some people will not discuss death and financial arrangements, especially with their children. You may want to see if your parent is receptive to a discussion with a casual conversation opener. Some ideas:
- mention a friend who had no idea what a parent’s wishes were and ask if your parent has any specific instructions for you.
- say you came across an article online about being sure you know what your loved one wants and wanted to be sure your parent has a living will, a list of final bequests, etc.
- set an example and come to your parent with your wishes. For example, mention that you’ve purchased burial plots, made a will, or drew up a living will and you want to be sure he or she knows where to find all of the paperwork dealing with your wishes in case you become ill or die.
If anyone else has some hints about holding this difficult conversation, please feel free to share them.
Most people caring for a relative with Alzheimer’s or dementia from home are barely able to afford necessities. Paying someone to come in for a few hours so you can take a trip to the gym or just wander through the mall is just not something you’re able to do. However, what if it didn’t cost you anything to take a few hours to recharge once a week?
Find a caregiver partner that you can swap duties with. Perhaps your neighbor is a mom who isn’t handy. She can spend a few hours in your home with your loved one while her kids are at school. In exchange, you repair her plumbing leak and then head for the golf course for an hour of well deserved relaxation.
Does anyone else have creative ways to get a bit of you time?
The Alzheimer’s Association has identified ten symptoms of caregiver stress. Some are fairly obvious, like exhaustion or sleeplessness, but I was surprised to see anger on the list.
However, when you think about it, being exhausted and getting no sleep makes most people less understanding and Alzheimer’s patients can be challenging to deal with even when you feel great. With these other stressors affecting them, many caregivers get angry more easily, both at the patient and the disease that has turned a loved one into a stranger.
