It is hard to think about a future without your loved one. It is even harder to approach him or her about medical and burial wishes. While everyone should have a talk about these issues, it is even more important to find out what your relative with Alzheimer’s or dementia wants before it is too late for him or her to communicate important desires and wishes. When the time comes, you don’t want to compound your grief with worries over whether you should be choosing cremation or if the most expensive casket is really what your loved one would have wanted.
Don’t be afraid that you will seem greedy, selfish, or insensitive. Remember that you are actually having this difficult talk to be sure you are following your loved one’s wishes. If you take a few minutes to prepare for the talk ahead of time, you and your loved one can have a useful conversation that can actually leave him or her with a feeling of relief. Here are a few tips that can make the discussion easier:

* Make a list of topics to cover, but don’t push to get to them all if he or she becomes tired or upset. Suggest that you can talk again the next day.

* If your loved one doesn’t want to discuss certain topics with you, ask who he or she will feel comfortable talking to and help set up a meeting.
* Have all necessary forms ready so they can be filled out in the comfort of home before your loved one meets with his or her lawyer. There’s an excellent free resource that helps you remember all of the information and forms you’ll need, from living wills to who will take care of the pets at http://thefuneraldirectory.com/planityourway/.

* Be prepared for the fact that some people will not discuss death and financial arrangements, especially with their children. You may want to see if your parent is receptive to a discussion with a casual conversation opener. Some ideas:

• mention a friend who had no idea what a parent’s wishes were and ask if your parent has any specific instructions for you.
• say you came across an article online about being sure you know what your loved one wants and wanted to be sure your parent has a living will, a list of final bequests, etc.
• set an example and come to your parent with your wishes. For example, mention that you’ve purchased burial plots, made a will, or drew up a living will and you want to be sure he or she knows where to find all of the paperwork dealing with your wishes in case you become ill or die.

If anyone else has some hints about holding this difficult conversation, please feel free to share them.

Posted by on 11.12.2006 • Caregiver Support